What Else Should I Be?

We all have someone who digs in us

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 01:18:06 GMT

Monica told me that her statuses on facebook are always depressing because she usually only goes on facebook when she's sad. Livejournal is pretty much the same for me. I've read some of my past posts, and I sound quite sad. Ande bipolar. One day I love Florida the next I hate it.

I was watching the Notebook and I realized how much I liked that movie. It's such a good love story, and nowadays the classic love story is now Twilight. The Notebook says you can never forget your first love, even if you've lost them.

You Give Me Good Feeling

Tue, 19 May 2009 22:50:44 GMT

I think it's finally hit me that I'm not going home at all. Campus being empty was pretty much what made me realize it.

As much as I hate Stratford, I love the few people in it who have shaped the person that I am. I miss my Dad most of all. I try to keep him updated on my life through emails but it's just weird. There's all the big movies coming out that I feel like I should be seeing with him, but I'm not. And I know he wants to see them, but he has no one to go with because I'm not there. I've been all gung-ho about staying in Florida for the rest of my life, but I've been thinking recently about moving back to to CT eventually. But who knows where I'll end up.

I miss my Mom and Kayte of course, but I just saw them in April. It was nice. And I get to see Kayte again in September. My Mom is nicer than ever, I think because I'm not going home at all. It's a nice change.

I miss my two best friends. Since I've been at school, at first I tried to not find replacements, but people who would fill the void while I'm in Florida. That didn't work out too well. I found that I couldn't really trust anybody and they judged me like no tomorrow. Monica's my closest friend here. But she's leaving for the summer in a week and a half. I love my sex fiends more than anything. Looking at facebook I can tell that a lot of people have forgotten that I've existed. I don't blame them. Kara and Nicole will never forget me, no matter how long we stay apart. In my life, I've continually found myself in long distance relationships. None of them have worked out really and I blamed it on the distance. But why are friendships different thna relationships? My friendships have withstood the test of distance. It's my one comfort in life, to know that when I tell these people I'm coming home I know they're actually excited.

I'm afraid it's going to be a lonely summer.

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:03:11 GMT

My Grandma died this morning.

My head hurt all day.

It's the sense of touch

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:35:58 GMT

We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

I'm stuck in a world that I built for myself. I wanted everything to be perfect, I planned out everything. I waited three months to leave my past behind and truly recreate a new me. And you know what the funny thing is? I'd do anything to go back. I'm stuck here attempting to accept the fact that I will never see my grandmother again. I'll never touch her wrinkled skin, I'll never kiss her cheek and recieve a static shock from it. She'll never yell at me again for not making the bed, I'll never taste her onion chicken or broccoli and cheese casserole again. She won't be telling me the bootlegging story any, she won't yell at me for chipping her dishes, or ask me if I "hit, kicked, or punched" a volleyball at practice. She won't brag to her friends about me anymore, and she won't put anymore of my pictures in frames for display. I won't sneeze on her dusty furniture or use her upstairs bathroom, just because I liked it better. I won't be able to throw clean towels down the laundry shoot just because it intrigued me to watch it fall to the basement floor. I won't be able to explore her attic or examine the chalk writings on the wall.

I love her pure white hair. She's beautiful and I never noticed.

And while she lays dying, in a bed, unable to talk to me on the phone, I'll stay awake. I'll look at her photos and dream of her when I finally fall alseep. Because I'm stuck in this fucking state that I wanted to go back to all fucking summer long.

Can someone tell me, how can you go on with your daily life, knowing your grandmother is going to die and you're never going to see her again?

Where are your friends tonight?

Sun, 18 May 2008 19:52:10 GMT

It's been an interesting summer break thus far. And by interesting, I mean nothing exciting has happened until last night. But perhaps it's because no one has really been home.
My usual day consists of going to work, then going to the gym, then doing nothing. I've lost 5 pounds since I've been home, which I'm really excited about. Only ten more pounds to go, and hopefully more after that. I think it's because I don't really eat anything compared to what I ate while I was at school. And I enjoy working out. I'm probably going to talk to the crew coach tomorrow to get everything set.
I intended to create a new identity for myself for next semester, since I was so lost this whole year. So now I'm going to be Mary-Beth Cwikla, member of the novice rowing team, treasurer and historian of Alpha Phi Omega (FRATERNITY not sorority people, it's co-ed and not Greek), and I will be majoring in astronomy/astrophysics and aerospace engineering.
I really need a 4.0 for next semester so I can get a 3.5 which that's all I really want. Fucking FIT and their stupid grading.
And I'm relocating to Florida after this summer. Goodbye CT. It was fun.

Some love is all she wantin'

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 01:18:30 GMT

It's been about a year now, and it feels pretty damn good. I did something I thought I never could do. Good job Mare, good damn job.

I love my boyfriend :)

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 21:19:41 GMT

Oh, I forget to write about Friday night.

I went to a club in Coco, and while my friends and i were dancing to the song "A bay Bay", two gunshots went off about seven feet from us. Some guy was shot and was sprawled out on the floor. Kinda makes me reevaluate my life.

Bring the Noise

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 21:14:23 GMT

So I wrote this entry soon after I arrived in Florida. I feel like modifying it a little bit, see which points changed and which haven't:

I love life. Not so much

I love college. Not so much

I love my friends at home. I love them with all my heart and more

I love my boyfriend. WRONG

I love my friends at college. Not so much

I love Melbourne Beach. It's cold now

I love astronomy and astrophysics. Everyone tells me I'm going to change my major

I love my family. Not so much my mom

I love my life being mega awkward at times at Florida Tech. Oh man

I love laughing and having everyone hear my laugh for the first time. It's gotten around, I'm the girl with the laugh

I love walking outside to my classes.

I love carrying a backpack to class again.

I love eating in the dining hall. WRONG

I love almost getting killed by waves.

I love shouting, "A Bay Bay!" Not after fucking Friday night

I love getting phone calls from my best friends.

I love getting text messages that say, "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me" from my boyfriend. WRONG

I love the thought of Thanksgiving break.

I love riding in the back of a pickup truck.

I hate Stratford. I never want to go back. The only reason why I would is to see my bff's, family, and boy. Not so much

I love being a completely difference person than I was four years ago. I miss 2005

It's times like these we learn to live again..

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 23:27:44 GMT

I've been incredibly depressed for the past few days. The fact that I'm in Florida and can do nothing about what's going on at home is killing me. But I guess I should just stay away. But it's like last year all over again.. and it's all my fault. And I want to make things turn out differently, but I don't know how. And I feel like I'm a pest, even though I'm miles away. So, I guess you finally get to be free from me. You can hang out with the people you want to hang out with and not have me in the way. I suppose going to FIT was a good thing for you. I'm sorry for making you feel that you had to hide things from me. But you never had to. Never. But now you can really hide things from me, because I'll never find out.

And Mike Paige died.. weird.

gahhh

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 04:47:47 GMT

i feel betrayed by both people at home in ct and people here. i want to go home, but i'm so angry thaty i don't want to go home. and i want to stay here but i don't want to stay here with the people that i thought i couldd trust.

drama follows me.
and thanks for keeping up the drama at home.

A Bay Bay

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 21:50:22 GMT

I love life.

I love college.

I love my friends at home.

I love my boyfriend.

I love my friends at college.

I love Melbourne Beach.

I love astronomy and astrophysics.

I love my family.

I love my life being mega awkward at times at Florida Tech.

I love laughing and having everyone hear my laugh for the first time.

I love walking outside to my classes.

I love carrying a backpack to class again.

I love eating in the dining hall.

I love almost getting killed by waves.

I love shouting, "A Bay Bay!"

I love getting phone calls from my best friends.

I love getting text messages that say, "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me" from my boyfriend.

I love the thought of Thanksgiving break.

I love riding in the back of a pickup truck.

I hate Stratford. I never want to go back. The only reason why I would is to see my bff's, family, and boy.

I love being a completely difference person than I was four years ago.

It's times like these we learn to live again

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 22:56:05 GMT

I feel like when I need somebody the most, there's no one to turn to. I know everyone told me they're here if I need them, but I don't know. I don't want to interrupt everyone's lives. Because as everyone continues with their life, I'm here sulking in the fact that my grandfather is dead. Gah.

And nothing else matters

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 23:30:23 GMT

My dodedo died today. It's amazing, just monday night I was planning a wild and crazy party to celebrate my best friend's birthday... alcohol and ice cream cake with the crunchies. And the Cape Cod boys too. And Nick, seeing me within a two week period. It was the greatest high...then it all came crashing down. And nothing else matters. This is the first family member of mine to die. I can't even describe my feelings. Except that nothing else matters. The extravangant party doesn't matter. Phil being a creeper doesn't matter. Pete killing me doesn't matter. It all doesn't matter anymore. Because my Dodedo is dead.

Happy birthay Nic, I'm so sorry to call you before. I hope you had a good day.

We were meant to live for so much more

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 17:19:34 GMT

It really upsets me that I recently revealed one of my "deepest darkest secrets" to someone and they didn't even care. Didn't even call me up to talk about it. Just a brief conversation about it online. And then they concluded that it would be best if they just elimated themselves from my life. And I told them it's not going to help, and yet they COMPLETELY ignored what I was trying to say. I thought by telling them they would realize what they've been doing to me, but I guess not. I guess your buddies are your main concern in your life. Thanks.

And my dad is throwing me a graduation party when he knows I told my mom I don't want one. So he thinks "since your mother isn't throwing you one, I will". Even though he would throw me one either way. I don't know why, but having parties for myself stresses me out so bad. I cried after my dad told me he was having the party. I start shaking just thinking about it. It's a strage fear to have, and it sounds ridiculous, but I HATE parties for myself. I cried after my Sweet 16 surprise party. I didn't want to have it so bad, but I was informed that if I didn't have it Pete would kill himself. It was terrible. And the only reasons my mom and dad want to throw me parties is so that I can get money. I find that extremely unsettling.

fuckkk.

Because you can't put a price on heartbreak.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 01:21:54 GMT

"You're my world."

If I'm your world, then why do you make me want to die? You say you care, but you just go about your life like nothing happened. In the meantime I sit here and cry my eyes out. You think you care, but you fucking don't. IF YOU DID YOU WOULD FUCKING ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME NOT WANT TO DIE.

Oh simple thing where did you go?

Sun, 27 May 2007 21:04:09 GMT

"He wants you to fit in his new life."
"But that's the thing, I just don't fit."
"Yeah, I know."

Yeah, it hurts. I'm hurting. I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully not long. Because everyone changes, I've changed. But unfortunately, I don't fit.

it's times like these we learn to live again

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 23:54:33 GMT

monday i experienced the most scariest moment of my life. and now i'm really reevaluating my life.

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 22:25:55 GMT

amazing how this day went to hell so quickly. thanks, i guess i'm not important enough to spend time with.

start the commotion

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 20:06:17 GMT

1.) There's a lunar eclipse tonight.
2.) It's gorgeous outside.
3.) Petey's on his way home.
4.) Philly's already home.

I'm kinda really happy right now, despite my strep throat. This week has been crazyyy. But that's okay. And I've discovered that some people must really hate me, and I have no idea what I did to them. I believe I said one statement that was twisted and turned into, "OMG SHE WAS TALKING SOO MUCH SHIT ABOUT YOU!" Hahahaha. What I said was true, and I fully admit that I said it, however I was not talking a huge amount of "shit" about this person. But, alas, this is high school. If I'm hated for things I never said, then so be it.

ps. I am SIKED for this lunar eclipse.

it's always better on holiday

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 22:23:33 GMT

I'm content with my life for once.

I fucked up this first semester, but that's ok. It's okay if I'm not third for graduation, it doesn't matter. I was third on my transcripts that were sent to college. That's what matters. This semester I'm not going to fuck up, even though senioritis should set in. Oh well.

Pete's gone, and I miss him terribly, but it's okay. I love him, no matter what, so I'll be able to cope with his abscene. I'm not going to break up with him again. Unless things go terribly wrong. Which I don't think they will.

I'm proud that I got into Florida Tech. I'm awaiting the scholarship info. It's my fourth choice, but my top three are ivy-leagues. So who knows.

I'm so over high school. I told my dad that while we were having a deep conversation about college last night. He said that I'd miss it, because he does, but I told him I seriously doubt it. I told him high school is not the same as it was when he went. He kinda paused for a moment and took it in, then agreed with me and said something meaningful, but unfortunately I forgot what it was. He once again told me that I have no choice whatsoever for Columbia and Dartmouth, and Yale I have a slight chance at. I want to get into Yale to prove him wrong, for the first itme in my life I'm actually proving my dad wrong. Usually it's my mom, sister, or the world. Never my dad. He's always been my rock. I guess there's really a first for everything.

I'm getting into Yale, even if it kills me in the process. I've come so far and I'm not going to let up. I'm going to find Dr. Black's recommendation, wherever Stratford fucking High has it hidden; I'm going to beast at MUN. I'm going to dominate my committee, especially when Schmid's boss is watching me.

I'm not done ranting yet.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 14:26:13 GMT

i have too many insecurities. like trust. i have a trust issue. and an issue with getting over the past.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 11:49:49 GMT

yeah. there's no point in life anymore.

i'm a wounded satellite

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:22:07 GMT

i miss the old days. or 2005.

my style is da bomb

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:11:28 GMT

goals:

- mend my heart.
- mend things between me and pete. eventually.
- feel satisfied with not wanting a relationship. no relationship. for a long time. until i feel like a piece of me is no longer with pete. unfortunately, i don't know how long that will take.
- concoct a plan to unify two people. who i love dearly.
- hang out with kara and jason.
- talk to jason more often rather than once every couple of weeks.
- get organized.
- feel like i made the right choice? not get mad when i hear stories. not feel heartbroken anymore.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 20:21:22 GMT

it's like he stabbed a knife in my heart. after a year and a half, this is how it dies? this is how he kills me?